Today especially I am so deeply thankful for my little Lucile Abigail Margaret Scales. My miracle.
Last year on Thanksgiving, my family did our normal tradition of going around the table and saying what we were thankful for. I went last, and when it was my turn I said "I'm thankful for the new baby in my tummy". The kids reaction was priceless, Elli nearly fell out of her chair with excitement, Tobiah immediately said he hoped it was a boy (sorry kiddo), and even Naomi got excited. I unfortunately do not remember Ruth's reaction, but she was still two, so it may not have been much. It was perfect and wonderful. I had never had so much fun announcing a pregnancy to my babies before.
About two hours later I started bleeding. The first thing that went through my mind was "why now, why after I told my babies". I was terrified and crushed, and I remember calling Rich upstairs and just crumbling into a sobbing mess. Lucy was so deeply wanted. I pulled it together as best as I could, and went downstairs and begged my mom and grandma to wait to go home so I could go to urgent care.
I don't remember the drive. It was a long one, all the way to Bellevue (around an hour away), and I've completely blocked it out. I do remember begging and pleading to God for my child's life though.
When we got there, I was numb. Too scared to be hopeful. They ran all the standard tests then sent me to an ultrasound. We saw our little baby, we saw her little heart flickering, and for a brief moment everything was fine. Then they told me she was measuring just six weeks, and it made no sense because of when I had found out I was pregnant (with multiple tests since somebody was a bit in shock and hesitant to belief the first one, and no, it was not me). We were told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, and with how early in pregnancy it was, it could go either way. They also said that because she was so much smaller than anticipated it was very possible she was not growing at the normal rate, which would mean I would likely miscarry. They were careful to say that it was still possible I had my dates wrong, and that she may still make it, but because I was in Portland when I found out about her, I knew that was not possible. I left crushed and devastated, and unsure how to break the news to my kids.
The next few days were horrible. The day after Thanksgiving, or possibly the day after that, I received a package in the mail of baby clothes I had bought shortly after finding out (I clearly new she was a girl since they were all pink), and I remember Rich bringing it to me, and opening it. I took each little piece of clothing out, looked it over, and set it in a neat little pile next to me. The tears multiplied with each item until with the last I just sat and sobbed. It was the first time I really let my grief out. When I was done, I set the clothes back in the box and asked Rich to put the box where I couldn't see it.
On Sunday, I could no longer take not knowing, and I went to the local ER. I was ecstatic to see my little baby's heart beat flickering away. I felt sure that if she was still hanging on, it had to be a good sign. The next day, however, I went to see a local OB at the recommendation of a wonderful friend, and he couldn't see baby at all. I then had to wait until Thursday for a scheduled ultrasound at the local hospital. When there, we again saw our precious little baby, heart beating away, and were given the encouraging news she was still measuring exactly where the ultrasound at urgent care had put her.
It was after that when I allowed myself to have a bit of optimism, but it took months before I felt safe. Clearly we had a happy ending, but it was a roller coaster to get there. So today especially I am thankful for this amazing gift I've been given to raise and love. And you know what? Today is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.
