Today you are five

Tonight I put my five year old Nae-Nae to bed. Five years ago I was snuggling my perfect, teeny little baby. I was soaking her in. Marveling over her beauty. Day dreaming about how much fun Elli would have with a sister. It's been a long journey, many sleepless nights of crying for answers, and knowing in my heart of hearts exactly what was going on. We've walked through fire for that child, we've almost lost her, we've cried over her, we've stood up for her time and again. We've put literally thousands of miles on our vehicles, we've put "medicine" on her eczema in the middle of the night, pinned her down to stop her from scratching herself raw. We've seen her grow by leaps and bounds, learn things we were unsure she'd ever learn, face down fears. We've climbed to the mountain tops, and fought for each inch, and we've wept in the valleys, confused and hurting. It's been a hard, long road, but look at her now! My amazing Nae-Nae. My sweet girl, my joy. 

For you, child, I'll gladly do it all again. 

All in the day of a SAHM

Sometimes you have to laugh. If you don't, you will lose your mind. My day so far...

I woke up late. Shoot. I was supposed to wake up early to clean the bathroom before the kids got up. It needs a deep cleaning, the kind where I can't be interrupted 2000 times every five minutes. 

What is that horrible smell? Oh, Zoey has again had diarrhea all over the house. Only now we are out of paper towels. 

The baby is now fussy. I want her to sleep so I can feed the kids breakfast, but every time she is almost there one of the kids comes in and wakes her up, even though they have all been told to stay in their rooms. This goes on for an hour. 

Finally, the baby is asleep! Only now the dog has also pooped on the carpet. Again. And I still don't have any paper towels. 

Ok, poop is cleaned up, kids are eating, time to clean the bathroom! Oh wait, I need to USE the bathroom. Now Tobiah came in and asked for more food. Told him to go and wait quietly at the table, and to stop talking before he wakes the baby. Now Naomi is doing the same. And now Ruth. Oh great, they woke the baby. 

Baby is back asleep, kids have more food, now I can clean the bathroom. Got a bit done, but now I remembered that the diapers that I started the last cycle on are done and I need to hang them and do  a load of laundry. 

Oh great. Somebody let Zoey back in. Yep, you guessed it. She pooped again! Trying not to cry. This house is so disgusting thanks to that blasted mutt! She's going outside. Oh my gosh, you have to be kidding me! The chickens are out AGAIN! Rich just fixed the fence. Oh, I see, he put the fence against the crawl space and the stupid birds figured out they could squeeze out. 25 minutes later and I have them all back and something against the hole. 

Somebody stole the slice of pizza I left for myself. You know, because it's not like they all had two pieces already. So, I'm eating a piece that fell on the floor and is covered in animal hair. It's also missing half the cheese and half the tomato sauce. Going to wash it down with some chocolate covered pretzels. 

Oh. My. Gosh. The cockatiels are freaking out, do I even want to know?! Oh great. One is out, and there is a soccer ball, a bunch of blocks, and a couple play kitchen toys IN THEIR CAGE. Oh, wait, there is also bird seed in both their water dishes. Sigh. Oh well, at least this time the bird didn't bite me getting it back in. 

Back in my room. Oh, looks who is awake. What woke her up? Oh, Tobiah's dog is barking. You know, because he left his room after being told not to for that exact reason. Sigh. 

It is only 3pm. 

Sometimes, autism sucks.

I try very hard to have a positive attitude about Naomi's diagnosis, and most of the time this comes fairly easily. I think she is one of the coolest kids around, and she brings so much joy and happiness to the lives of those around her. Really, I don't just say that. She's downright awesome. Her silly faces, her knack for seeing beauty in the ordinary, her insistence on being Messy Nae-Nae. She is a true joy. 

Sometimes though, it hurts. And when it hurts, it cuts me to the core of my being. Tuesday was one of those days. 

We were at Awana. I have tried hard not to let this be a sore subject for me, because my goodness how I was looking forward to having two hours a week with just Rich and the babies. It was going to be wonderful, and we were going to be able to reconnect and have time for deep conversation, which is so lacking in my marriage these days. God had different plans though. We were told pretty early in the year that both Naomi and Tobiah were only welcome at club if we stayed. So, I've been in the Cubbies room all year, while Rich follows the Sparkies around. It is what it is.

Anyway, we were at Awana. We have been going since September, with both Naomi and Ruth in the Cubbies class. So here I sat all night watching my daughter once again refuse to interact with the other kids. I watched her play with duplos, in her own world, then pick them up. This time she didn't throw a fit when it was time to put them away, which was an improvement! Then we got in line and went to "hold up the wall" while everybody took a turn going potty. Once again, Naomi refused to do any of the silly little activities, like finger exercises, toe touching, and jumping. She stood there, leaning on her hands against the wall, with a blank expression. When her sisters were by her, she wanted her arm around them (I've been taking Nette to be an honorary cubby since hanging with dad and the sparks is so boring), but neither really wanted anything to do with it. Then she sat quietly for the puppet show, as usual. She actually asked for a song when it was time to sing, and I'm so proud of her for that! She has definitely gotten more comfortable with Teacher Wendy. Then back to the class, and when asked for a prayer request she just said "God", which the teacher always interprets as being thankful for God, but in reality Naomi is telling her that is who you pray to-she has yet to grasp the concept of a prayer request. Then snack and craft. She was too over stimulated to do anything but scribble, which made me a little sad because she is such a great artist. At least this time she scribbled inside of the lines. Then the part where I finally lost it. Play time. 

At the end of the night the kids get to go into the gym and ride on trikes and those little cars you sit on and push around. Naomi of course asked for her favorite car, to which I of course had to say no, because it causes too many fights. Then she was off. Completely in her own world. When the other kids got too close (as in right in her face) she would push them. It pretty quickly ended up with her quietly in my lap while I sat in the doorway. I did eventually coax her to go play while I went to talk to the leader. I asked if I could bring snack next week, and if I could bring something special for Naomi's birthday even though we hadn't done anything for other birthdays. Awana is the day before her birthday, and my hope was maybe if the kids made a big deal about it, maybe for one night she would acknowledge them. That's when I finally broke down. It's been sometime since I cried, but it finally all hit me again. My child adores her "almost twin" and sometimes her other siblings, but other than that, she is so oblivious, and my heart hurts for her. I know she wants to have friends, but every time she has tried, they have been mean and not wants to play (not that I blame them, she's pretty controlling...). I have yet to go to Awana and not hear one of the other children complain about her, whether it be that she is hogging Legos, took somebody's Legos, kicked, pushed... It's always something, and it is always a knife in my heart. 

Yeah. My kid is pretty awesome. She brings beauty and insight to the world that i marvel at. She brings joy and laughter. Still though, sometimes autism sucks.