Sometimes though, it hurts. And when it hurts, it cuts me to the core of my being. Tuesday was one of those days.
We were at Awana. I have tried hard not to let this be a sore subject for me, because my goodness how I was looking forward to having two hours a week with just Rich and the babies. It was going to be wonderful, and we were going to be able to reconnect and have time for deep conversation, which is so lacking in my marriage these days. God had different plans though. We were told pretty early in the year that both Naomi and Tobiah were only welcome at club if we stayed. So, I've been in the Cubbies room all year, while Rich follows the Sparkies around. It is what it is.
Anyway, we were at Awana. We have been going since September, with both Naomi and Ruth in the Cubbies class. So here I sat all night watching my daughter once again refuse to interact with the other kids. I watched her play with duplos, in her own world, then pick them up. This time she didn't throw a fit when it was time to put them away, which was an improvement! Then we got in line and went to "hold up the wall" while everybody took a turn going potty. Once again, Naomi refused to do any of the silly little activities, like finger exercises, toe touching, and jumping. She stood there, leaning on her hands against the wall, with a blank expression. When her sisters were by her, she wanted her arm around them (I've been taking Nette to be an honorary cubby since hanging with dad and the sparks is so boring), but neither really wanted anything to do with it. Then she sat quietly for the puppet show, as usual. She actually asked for a song when it was time to sing, and I'm so proud of her for that! She has definitely gotten more comfortable with Teacher Wendy. Then back to the class, and when asked for a prayer request she just said "God", which the teacher always interprets as being thankful for God, but in reality Naomi is telling her that is who you pray to-she has yet to grasp the concept of a prayer request. Then snack and craft. She was too over stimulated to do anything but scribble, which made me a little sad because she is such a great artist. At least this time she scribbled inside of the lines. Then the part where I finally lost it. Play time.
At the end of the night the kids get to go into the gym and ride on trikes and those little cars you sit on and push around. Naomi of course asked for her favorite car, to which I of course had to say no, because it causes too many fights. Then she was off. Completely in her own world. When the other kids got too close (as in right in her face) she would push them. It pretty quickly ended up with her quietly in my lap while I sat in the doorway. I did eventually coax her to go play while I went to talk to the leader. I asked if I could bring snack next week, and if I could bring something special for Naomi's birthday even though we hadn't done anything for other birthdays. Awana is the day before her birthday, and my hope was maybe if the kids made a big deal about it, maybe for one night she would acknowledge them. That's when I finally broke down. It's been sometime since I cried, but it finally all hit me again. My child adores her "almost twin" and sometimes her other siblings, but other than that, she is so oblivious, and my heart hurts for her. I know she wants to have friends, but every time she has tried, they have been mean and not wants to play (not that I blame them, she's pretty controlling...). I have yet to go to Awana and not hear one of the other children complain about her, whether it be that she is hogging Legos, took somebody's Legos, kicked, pushed... It's always something, and it is always a knife in my heart.
Yeah. My kid is pretty awesome. She brings beauty and insight to the world that i marvel at. She brings joy and laughter. Still though, sometimes autism sucks.
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