On the eve of your fourth birthday

Put my three year old to bed for the last time. Tomorrow she will be four!

Four years ago right now I was laying in bed. Rich had just gotten off the phone with the midwife, explaining how miserable I was and they had agreed to induce two days later, assuming at my appointment the next day everything looked good. I was feeling a huge mix of emotions, relief that the weeks of painful contractions were coming to an end, sorrow that I was not going to go into labor naturally and for the first time have the "it's time" experience, and also many mixed feelings about being induced on my birthday, as I had not wanted to share my birthday. I think I was mostly feeling relief, though. 

Then it happened. I had a really strong contraction, and when it ended, Rich and I looked at each other, and without a word we both got out of bed and started getting ready to go to the hospital. 

My labor was miserable, nobody at the hospital would take me seriously despite this being baby number four and knowing my body well. I spent basically my entire labor in triage, was forced to walk through transition (or go home), and finally got my own room just in time to push. 

At 5:23AM the next morning, a chubby 8lbs 10oz baby came into the world screaming. She was perfect. She was exactly what I did not know I needed in my life.

Ruth Ann, you are a brat. You refuse to go to bed on a nightly basis, you rarely follow my directions, and you constantly swipe my coffee. 

You are also a constant source of laughter. You're a clown at heart, and you just love being silly. You bring immeasurable joy to those that you open up to. 

You truly are exactly what we needed. God has already used you in such amazing ways in four short years. I greatly anticipate witnessing what He continues to do in and through your life as you grow. 

I love you more than words can say, my little Rue-Rue Bean. 

Today you are five

Tonight I put my five year old Nae-Nae to bed. Five years ago I was snuggling my perfect, teeny little baby. I was soaking her in. Marveling over her beauty. Day dreaming about how much fun Elli would have with a sister. It's been a long journey, many sleepless nights of crying for answers, and knowing in my heart of hearts exactly what was going on. We've walked through fire for that child, we've almost lost her, we've cried over her, we've stood up for her time and again. We've put literally thousands of miles on our vehicles, we've put "medicine" on her eczema in the middle of the night, pinned her down to stop her from scratching herself raw. We've seen her grow by leaps and bounds, learn things we were unsure she'd ever learn, face down fears. We've climbed to the mountain tops, and fought for each inch, and we've wept in the valleys, confused and hurting. It's been a hard, long road, but look at her now! My amazing Nae-Nae. My sweet girl, my joy. 

For you, child, I'll gladly do it all again. 

All in the day of a SAHM

Sometimes you have to laugh. If you don't, you will lose your mind. My day so far...

I woke up late. Shoot. I was supposed to wake up early to clean the bathroom before the kids got up. It needs a deep cleaning, the kind where I can't be interrupted 2000 times every five minutes. 

What is that horrible smell? Oh, Zoey has again had diarrhea all over the house. Only now we are out of paper towels. 

The baby is now fussy. I want her to sleep so I can feed the kids breakfast, but every time she is almost there one of the kids comes in and wakes her up, even though they have all been told to stay in their rooms. This goes on for an hour. 

Finally, the baby is asleep! Only now the dog has also pooped on the carpet. Again. And I still don't have any paper towels. 

Ok, poop is cleaned up, kids are eating, time to clean the bathroom! Oh wait, I need to USE the bathroom. Now Tobiah came in and asked for more food. Told him to go and wait quietly at the table, and to stop talking before he wakes the baby. Now Naomi is doing the same. And now Ruth. Oh great, they woke the baby. 

Baby is back asleep, kids have more food, now I can clean the bathroom. Got a bit done, but now I remembered that the diapers that I started the last cycle on are done and I need to hang them and do  a load of laundry. 

Oh great. Somebody let Zoey back in. Yep, you guessed it. She pooped again! Trying not to cry. This house is so disgusting thanks to that blasted mutt! She's going outside. Oh my gosh, you have to be kidding me! The chickens are out AGAIN! Rich just fixed the fence. Oh, I see, he put the fence against the crawl space and the stupid birds figured out they could squeeze out. 25 minutes later and I have them all back and something against the hole. 

Somebody stole the slice of pizza I left for myself. You know, because it's not like they all had two pieces already. So, I'm eating a piece that fell on the floor and is covered in animal hair. It's also missing half the cheese and half the tomato sauce. Going to wash it down with some chocolate covered pretzels. 

Oh. My. Gosh. The cockatiels are freaking out, do I even want to know?! Oh great. One is out, and there is a soccer ball, a bunch of blocks, and a couple play kitchen toys IN THEIR CAGE. Oh, wait, there is also bird seed in both their water dishes. Sigh. Oh well, at least this time the bird didn't bite me getting it back in. 

Back in my room. Oh, looks who is awake. What woke her up? Oh, Tobiah's dog is barking. You know, because he left his room after being told not to for that exact reason. Sigh. 

It is only 3pm. 

Sometimes, autism sucks.

I try very hard to have a positive attitude about Naomi's diagnosis, and most of the time this comes fairly easily. I think she is one of the coolest kids around, and she brings so much joy and happiness to the lives of those around her. Really, I don't just say that. She's downright awesome. Her silly faces, her knack for seeing beauty in the ordinary, her insistence on being Messy Nae-Nae. She is a true joy. 

Sometimes though, it hurts. And when it hurts, it cuts me to the core of my being. Tuesday was one of those days. 

We were at Awana. I have tried hard not to let this be a sore subject for me, because my goodness how I was looking forward to having two hours a week with just Rich and the babies. It was going to be wonderful, and we were going to be able to reconnect and have time for deep conversation, which is so lacking in my marriage these days. God had different plans though. We were told pretty early in the year that both Naomi and Tobiah were only welcome at club if we stayed. So, I've been in the Cubbies room all year, while Rich follows the Sparkies around. It is what it is.

Anyway, we were at Awana. We have been going since September, with both Naomi and Ruth in the Cubbies class. So here I sat all night watching my daughter once again refuse to interact with the other kids. I watched her play with duplos, in her own world, then pick them up. This time she didn't throw a fit when it was time to put them away, which was an improvement! Then we got in line and went to "hold up the wall" while everybody took a turn going potty. Once again, Naomi refused to do any of the silly little activities, like finger exercises, toe touching, and jumping. She stood there, leaning on her hands against the wall, with a blank expression. When her sisters were by her, she wanted her arm around them (I've been taking Nette to be an honorary cubby since hanging with dad and the sparks is so boring), but neither really wanted anything to do with it. Then she sat quietly for the puppet show, as usual. She actually asked for a song when it was time to sing, and I'm so proud of her for that! She has definitely gotten more comfortable with Teacher Wendy. Then back to the class, and when asked for a prayer request she just said "God", which the teacher always interprets as being thankful for God, but in reality Naomi is telling her that is who you pray to-she has yet to grasp the concept of a prayer request. Then snack and craft. She was too over stimulated to do anything but scribble, which made me a little sad because she is such a great artist. At least this time she scribbled inside of the lines. Then the part where I finally lost it. Play time. 

At the end of the night the kids get to go into the gym and ride on trikes and those little cars you sit on and push around. Naomi of course asked for her favorite car, to which I of course had to say no, because it causes too many fights. Then she was off. Completely in her own world. When the other kids got too close (as in right in her face) she would push them. It pretty quickly ended up with her quietly in my lap while I sat in the doorway. I did eventually coax her to go play while I went to talk to the leader. I asked if I could bring snack next week, and if I could bring something special for Naomi's birthday even though we hadn't done anything for other birthdays. Awana is the day before her birthday, and my hope was maybe if the kids made a big deal about it, maybe for one night she would acknowledge them. That's when I finally broke down. It's been sometime since I cried, but it finally all hit me again. My child adores her "almost twin" and sometimes her other siblings, but other than that, she is so oblivious, and my heart hurts for her. I know she wants to have friends, but every time she has tried, they have been mean and not wants to play (not that I blame them, she's pretty controlling...). I have yet to go to Awana and not hear one of the other children complain about her, whether it be that she is hogging Legos, took somebody's Legos, kicked, pushed... It's always something, and it is always a knife in my heart. 

Yeah. My kid is pretty awesome. She brings beauty and insight to the world that i marvel at. She brings joy and laughter. Still though, sometimes autism sucks. 

Yet another update

We are finally out of the insane time of the year where I cannot think straight and have zero time for anything. 

A lot has happened in the last couple of months. Little Lucy had some pretty concerning medical stuff going on, but is mostly doing better. She is still a bit behind of where she should be, but she is slowly catching up. She ended up having two tongue tie surgeries, and after the second just stopped eating. She started seeing early intervention due to very low tone, and as of yesterday her therapist was thrilled with the progress after not seeing her for two weeks. She help her head up while on her tummy and played with toys for 15 minutes, then sat in Kelli's lap and played for quite a while. She also showed off some mad skills by sitting unassisted for maybe 15 seconds (she has done about a minute before, but was not really in the mood to sit). As of last Friday Rich finally got her to willingly take a supplement in the form of syringe feeding her. She is still completely refusing bottles, and for the first few weeks screaming like she was dying during the syringe feedings. They have to be pretty thick, but we are thrilled that she is willingly taking more food. Other than that, out blue eyed girl is doing great, she is interacting, smiling, babbling, and bringing us so much joy! It is crazy to realize she is nearly six months old!

Jeanette is also doing amazing. I failed miserably in keeping up to date with blogging her progress, but she is now a very solid, very active two year old doing all the normal two year old stuff. She still gets a little scared when you do things like toss her in the air and catch her, but even that is slowly getting better. She is also completely terrified of walk down stairs and insists on going down them on her tummy, but that's ok with me. She is running, trying to figure out jumping (so stinking cute when they are learning that one!), climbing, and talking. She loves to sing, and sings non-sense made up songs in the car, usually to the tune of "let it go" or "Jesus loves me". Most of the words aren't real words still at this point, but it reminds me of another little girl who has also always loved to sing and now at almost five does it non-stop. Jeanette has officially graduated from PT/OT, which is amazing, and will hopefully be out of ST soon as well.

There isn't tons to report on Ruth. She is still our clown, although she is looking more and more like a kid instead of my chubby cheek toddler. Guess it's time since she is almost FOUR! She will be starting speech therapy sometime soonish (in Corri-ism that means sometime this year, because frankly, I am relishing not having a child I have to take to speech and with two others in weekly therapy still... Sigh). She is smart and funny and still a complete Daddy's girl. In fact, every single time Rich and I try to talk without the kids, she has to come in and climb in his lap. He is far too much of a softy for that girl! She is also still completely obsessed with cats. Reminds me so much of myself as a child. 

Naomi is doing very well, too. Lately we have had far more good days that bad, and seem to be in  by good routine with her. She is getting better and better at knowing what she needs and self advocating. Two weeks ago at church the early childhood department had a "family day" where the parents got to hang out with the kids and each class had an activity to do with the kids. It was very hard for Naomi, and she was able to make it known through pulled on my hand that she needed out of the room, and when I asked if the place I took her was quite enough or if she needed it to be quieter, she told me she needed quieter, which is huge for her. She then calmed down and did fabulously the rest of the time we were there, although is had to really engage her a couple times. I honestly expected it to be a disaster with the complete chaos, but she proved me wrong! She also did something incredibly huge about a month ago at Costco. We were walking around, and all of a sudden she yells with complete panic in her voice "where's Ruth?!" Ruth was fine and just walking behind Rich, but my girl was aware of somebody other then herself and showed concern, which is incredible. Sure it was Ruth, her buddy, partner in crime, and closest friend whom she is never without, but I'll take it!

Tobiah is also doing really well. We have had some major breakthroughs with him in keeping him calm and capable of listening. It's still a process, and I really don't think we have seen the full effect of this awesome new way of working with him. I think it will be a huge transformation just like it has been with Naomi now that we have unlocked how to get through to him. He is still my little smarty pants that loves to learn and never forgets anything. Reading has unlocked the world for him, and he spends hours reading each day. Space, bugs, ocean life, pirates... His interests are 100% boy. He is also loving school using Sonlight. He blows through most of it, but he really loves the set up, and especially loves all the reading involved. Other things haven't changed at all, Danielle is still his "bestest best friend", he still loves riding his bike (and has gotten quite good), and he is still very protective of his sisters...when he isn't tormenting them.

Elli has grown and is hitting that age of inner struggle between being a child and not. It's bittersweet to watch, and I personally hope that being a child continues to win just a little while longer. She is still the same compassionate person she has always been, although she has started to get a bit of a snotty attitude towards life.  She pouts when we make her push a cart, and often whines at the injustice of being the oldest and being expected to help with simple things. She is still typically helpful, and adores her younger siblings. She often asks if she can help with things like giving Nette a bath, getting Lucy in the car, and making breakfast. She is definitely growing up. She's also finally caught the reading bug and carries a book just about everywhere, and she, too, seems to really enjoy school using Sonlight. She also got an awesome bike for Christmas and is bound and determined to learn to ride it. It was not cool in her book that Tobiah learned first. 

There have been a couple other changes. We somehow have multiplied in the fur baby department. Jeanette was given a kitten named Oliver, and he's a sweet little guy that loves to snuggle with Lucy (just like Sadie, my sweet kitty I got when I was in labor). Tobiah got a dog, a sweet but somewhat dense yellow lab. And at the end of the month I'm getting the puppy I've wanted for 15 years. Her name will be Princess Buttercup. 

We are also in the process of building a house (currently looking for land), so we can fulfill life long dreams of living on a farm. I'm quite excited, but will post more about that later. 

Other than that, life has just been "normal" around here. I'll try not to go months without blogging again, and will be doing my next Sonlight post soon. :)

What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving

Today especially I am so deeply thankful for my little Lucile Abigail Margaret Scales. My miracle. 

Last year on Thanksgiving, my family did our normal tradition of going around the table and saying what we were thankful for. I went last, and when it was my turn I said "I'm thankful for the new baby in my tummy". The kids reaction was priceless, Elli nearly fell out of her chair with excitement, Tobiah immediately said he hoped it was a boy (sorry kiddo), and even Naomi got excited. I unfortunately do not remember Ruth's reaction, but she was still two, so it may not have been much. It was perfect and wonderful. I had never had so much fun announcing a pregnancy to my babies before. 

About two hours later I started bleeding. The first thing that went through my mind was "why now, why after I told my babies". I was terrified and crushed, and I remember calling Rich upstairs and just crumbling into a sobbing mess. Lucy was so deeply wanted. I pulled it together as best as I could, and went downstairs and begged my mom and grandma to wait to go home so I could go to urgent care.

I don't remember the drive. It was a long one, all the way to Bellevue (around an hour away), and I've completely blocked it out. I do remember begging and pleading to God for my child's life though.

When we got there, I was numb. Too scared to be hopeful. They ran all the standard tests then sent me to an ultrasound. We saw our little baby, we saw her little heart flickering, and for a brief moment everything was fine. Then they told me she was measuring just six weeks, and it made no sense because of when I had found out I was pregnant (with multiple tests since somebody was a bit in shock and hesitant to belief the first one, and no, it was not me). We were told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, and with how early in pregnancy it was, it could go either way. They also said that because she was so much smaller than anticipated it was very possible she was not growing at the normal rate, which would mean I would likely miscarry. They were careful to say that it was still possible I had my dates wrong, and that she may still make it, but because I was in Portland when I found out about her, I knew that was not possible. I left crushed and devastated, and unsure how to break the news to my kids.

The next few days were horrible. The day after Thanksgiving, or possibly the day after that, I received a package in the mail of baby clothes I had bought shortly after finding out (I clearly new she was a girl since they were all pink), and I remember Rich bringing it to me, and opening it. I took each little piece of clothing out, looked it over, and set it in a neat little pile next to me. The tears multiplied with each item until with the last I just sat and sobbed. It was the first time I really let my grief out. When I was done, I set the clothes back in the box and asked Rich to put the box where I couldn't see it.

On Sunday, I could no longer take not knowing, and I went to the local ER. I was ecstatic to see my little baby's heart beat flickering away. I felt sure that if she was still hanging on, it had to be a good sign. The next day, however, I went to see a local OB at the recommendation of a wonderful friend, and he couldn't see baby at all. I then had to wait until Thursday for a scheduled ultrasound at the local hospital. When there, we again saw our precious little baby, heart beating away, and were given the encouraging news she was still measuring exactly where the ultrasound at urgent care had put her. 

It was after that when I allowed myself to have a bit of optimism, but it took months before I felt safe. Clearly we had a happy ending, but it was a roller coaster to get there. So today especially I am thankful for this amazing gift I've been given to raise and love. And you know what? Today is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.

Sonlight series, Entry 3

We have been using Sonlight for a couple of weeks now. The first week was a bit of a learning curve for sure, but i have to say, so far we are really loving the curriculum. 

My initial thoughts were all fairly positive. They do a really great job laying out how to do things the first week, and then it follows a consistent pattern after that. It is very easy to teach with for sure.

I really love the books they include, and love even more than I thought I would that they aren't all books written for their curriculum (although there are a couple that are). The first couple of readers Elli has read are not only having her work on reading and reading comprehension, but they are stories that are also teaching pieces of history, they use them to have the children practice their handwriting through copy work, and they even include a bit of geography by having you find the location of where the book takes place on a map.

I haven't found that it takes too much time to work through everything. This may or may not change as we get further into the curriculum, we will have to wait and see. I have tweaked how we do spelling, as I have one child that has yet to not know how to spell a single spelling word and one that struggles so hard she fights tears, but the awesome thing is it doesn't make it difficult to tweak.

My only complaint this far is with the pre-k curriculum. The girls have not enjoyed only reading one or two pages, have hated the one book that has long stories, and honestly seem mostly bored when we read little snid bits of this book and that. They love the activity books, and we are continuing to work through everything despite a lack of enthusiasm. My hope is they will enjoy it more as we continue. Again, we will have to wait and see!