Reflecting

I was going through my "on this day" I'm Facebook and encountered this video that I made four years ago. 

Watching this stirs up so many emotions. 

First the obvious. Looking back at this video and watching my kids play four years ago, it melts my heart and brings up a tinge of sadness that the days of these two being three and one and a half are long gone. Sadness that I can never go back in time and relive these moments, and pain that they are gone. Pictures are hard enough to look at, but hearing that little boy's three year old voice, and watching them run around and be silly is so much harder, yet wonderful at the same time. 

Then there is the deeper level. At this point in our lives, I had been concerned for about a year at some of the things Naomi wasn't doing, and in my heart of hearts I knew she was autistic. That still terrified me because I didn't know what I know now. However, at that time I wasn't so acutely aware of the concerning things she WAS doing, and watching this I see signs screaming at me that I couldn't yet see. At this point in time I still allowed everybody to convince me my concerns were invalid and that she wasn't autistic. I hadn't found my mama voice yet, although I was just starting to in regards to her other medical conditions. It was still a few months after this that I really started researching and started pushing for answers, and it was six months later when she was first evaluated, and we were told while she tested autistic "technically", the doctor wasn't sure enough to diagnose a 25 month old. I left that appointment the way I had so many before, allowing somebody else to repress what I knew as truth (although looking back, I do agree with the psychiatrists decision to wait a year to be sure, as I left with him telling me to come back at three if I still had concerns). 

We have all come so far in our own ways. I've found my voice, and I will use it with every breath I have to advocate for my kids. Naomi is miles from where we were at this time. Notice in the video you only hear her voice twice, when T is pinning her and she whines ever so slightly and at the end when she said Bubba instead of bye. She was completely non-communicative at this point. We did occasionally get a word out of her, but it was typically not used correctly, as in this example. Most of the time she would only scream. Now she talks nonstop. That's just one example. She's a completely different kid, and she amazes me daily. 

I'm thankful for progress, but I'm equally thankful for small reminders like this video of exactly what that progress looks like. 

Like I said, so many emotions...

When the special needs journey gets hard

Today we were officially told Lucy has global developmental delays. Significant delays in every area of development.

It's not like I can deny how delayed my little girl is. I live this reality every minute of every day. Hearing that is crushing though.

I have four special needs kids. My second, third, fifth, and sixth. I am able to see improvement in each, over time, and I've learned to cling to those small, sometimes almost invisible, improvements. I've learned in the dark times to reflect on the progress, and to rejoice in every single milestone reached.

Tobiah has improved a lot in his social struggles, and with help can have successful social interactions. 

Naomi will sometimes talk to people she doesn't know. 

Nette can walk and is becoming more confident in climbing. 

Lucy can orally manage solids and drink a half full or less bottle without needing to constantly stop.

All of these things might seem small, but for them they are skills that we've fought so hard for. 

I work hard to focus on the positive, and to keep the right attitude about their challenges. I want my kids to know that nothing is impossible when they try their best, I want them to know I believe in them, and that I will always be their biggest cheerleader. I want them to know I will never stop fighting for them.

There are times, though, that these things are so hard. What I heard today, despite already knowing it, felt like a punch to the gut. Days like today I find myself crying out for mercy, desperate for improvement, longing for this life to not be my own. 

Lately so many special needs parents have blogged about finding a way to just accept things and be happy. While I think being encouraged to keep a positive outlook is so important, because having a positive attitude is a key piece to successfully parenting special needs kids, I think dismissing the negative and refusing to acknowledge it is far from healthy as well. 

Sometimes this road is hard, and sometimes it hurts like crazy. Not because you are devaluing your child and having a pity party, but because as a parent you want every good and perfect thing for your child, and facing significant challenges, while perhaps is your child's reality, isn't the good and perfect we desire.

The point I hope to leave with you is that it's ok to have bad days. It's ok to have days you hate the challenges your child(ren) face. Acknowledge your feelings, and do what you must to deal with them (my personal favorite is expensive chocolate), so that tomorrow you can wake up the fighter and advocate your child needs.

Work boxes

For this year, we have decided to give work boxes a try and see how it works for our family. I have very high hopes that this will streamline a lot of our schooling and help us to be more efficient with our time. I feel like over the last year we had a steep learning curve balancing schooling four children, and while I definitely feel like we got into a routine that worked, there is always room for improvement. 

Earlier this week, my amazing husband created all the files I needed. We are using strips in the kids colors to put their daily tasks on, then the tasks have a coordinating task card on a box. Because we have specifically chosen to use Sonlight for the ability to combine kids for core subjects with ease, and we teach in pairs that share books, each pair will have a set of drawers verses each individual child. For the task cards, I found images on google that I liked, that had both a picture and a word so that they work for both readers and non-readers. We then printed those, their strips, and a set of numbers (also color coded) for each child on card stock, had them laminated, and I spent an hour and a half cutting them apart and applying Velcro dots. I'm rather pleased with the finished product! 

As you can see, all the task cards were printed on white card stock, while their task strips and numbers were printed on colored card stock. I admit by the time I was done cutting them apart I was on the verge of stabbing my eyes out, but it was worth it. We only have six task cards so far, plus two "help buttons" per child (for when they are working independently and need my help to finish), but I plan to make more. This is what I needed to get started this coming week, and time was limited the day Rich made everything for me, so it is what it is for now.

The way we plan to do this is each day, each child will have their task cards filled with what they need to do that day, in the order I want them to do it. The items they will need for each task is then placed in the correct drawer, and on the front of the drawer on the right will be that task, and on the left the correct number in each of the two children's colors. As they complete a task, they will take their number card as well as their task card from their strip and put it in the "finished" box. Once they have completed their entire task card, they are done for the day and can work on their chores and then have free time. Their task strips will be hole punched and put on a key ring, but my hole punch is currently hiding from me so I'm unable to do that part quite yet.

We decided to use Trofast shelves from IKEA. Many people (most that I've seen in my research) use bins created for scrapbook supplies, but after reading reviews I was a bit nervous they wouldn't be sturdy enough. With Sonlight, there are a lot of books, so I need something strong enough for that, but equally important, my kids just tend to be hard on stuff. These were not too much more, and I know from years of using them for toys that they can withstand my kiddos. 

I'm excited to see how things go this week, and will be updating with our initial thoughts after week one, so stay tuned!

Game changer

April 12th 2015. 

It seemed like a day like any other. It was Sunday, so we got up, got the kids ready, and headed for church. 

Naomi didn't seem extra happy, or uneasily unhappy about church. It was just what we were doing, and it was routine and fine. 

Leading up to this game changing day, I had been overwhelmed to hear that my sweet child had "made a new friend at church". This was huge folks. The child who had only ever played with one child outside of our family at that point. Yeah, her. She had made a friend, all.on.her.own. Since that time, she had also been willing to interact with friends that came over a couple of times, which was equally big.

This day though? It was even bigger. 

I walked back to her class after church to pick her up. She was engrossed in playing with a doll house, and I briefly wished it could be one of the weeks she ran to me, knowing I would have to pry her away from it. As I walked in, though, her teacher came up to talk to me. I braced myself. I have come to expect unpleasant news, hearing that she was unusually attached to the teacher, wouldn't follow directions, or the one I really dread, she had hit or kicked another child. This time though I heard something completely unexpected. 

"She did amazing today. She TALKED TO ME. Like she asked me 'can I please play with the doll house'."

At this point I was staring wide eyed. What? My child WHAT? Sure, I hear it all the time. Naomi has an amazing vocabulary, and there are days I regret the 2.5 years of speech therapy she went through because she never.stops.talking. That is at home though. That is with me. Her siblings. Usually her dad. Not her teacher.

The teacher went on.

"She got in the tent with the other kids. We went through the church whispering to people 'Jesus is the good news', and she whispered it in somebody's* ear."

Wait. Wait, this can't be right. She whispered in their ear? She PLAYED IN THE TENT WITH THE OTHER KIDS? This isn't Naomi. Naomi is terrified of people she doesn't know, and touching them is miles from her comfort zone. Naomi also can't handle being in enclosed spaces with people other than her family or the handful of people she's let into her "safe circle". 

It's at this point I don't remember the conversation. It's at this point I broke down and wept tears of joy and gratitude. 

Gratitude to my gracious God, that my precious girl has come so far. Gratitude to this amazing women, who at the beginning of the year had no clue how to handle Naomi, but always listened to what I suggested, and gave my child immeasurable amounts of grace and patience. She will never understand the miracle she has been for my family, she will never comprehend the level in with God has used her to bless my family. 

She's been our game changer.

*the teacher told me who it was. I don't remember. Point is, it is not somebody that Naomi is familiar with.

What I thought autism had stolen

Nae-Nae is such a sweet girl. She just found Rue's Hello Kitty figurine and, despite the fact Rue is sound asleep, tucked it next to her, and when I looked to see what she was doing said "I was just giving Rue-Rue this".

I had big dreams for those two when I found out I would have girls so close in age. Those dreams included them being best friends and doing everything together, walking hand in hand through life, snuggling late into the night talking instead of sleeping.

By the time Ruth was born, it was obvious something was "off" with Naomi, but everybody kept telling us (mostly me) that it was in my head and that she was just different than my older kids. The first year of Ruth's life was a challenge with Naomi, and she hated Ruth. Absolutely hated her. By the end of that first year, I knew beyond a doubt my child was autistic. Rich was coming around to the same realization. My dreams were slowly being completely shattered.

Then something beautiful began to happen. Ruth started engaging Naomi. At first Naomi did not like it, but Ruth was relentless in her admiration of her big sister, and her desire to play. Slowly, day by day, she chipped away at Naomi, until one day they played. I sat in the living room with tears pouring down my face as I watched them. They would chase each other from the living room to the kitchen, and one would climb in the corner cupboard (I believe Ruth), and the other would slam it shut, then climb out and chase back to the living room. They did this for quite some time. Normally this is the kind of play I would not allow, and so many times I was sure fingers would be smashed, but I could not bring myself to stop them. Nobody ended up hurt, thankfully.

From that day on, I saw a transformation, and they played more and more. For a long time, it was always Ruth that started it, but in time Naomi started, too, and eventually they were always together. 

Autism has shaped their relationship in many ways. I've had to give up on some of the dreams that I had for them, like the cuddling and hand holding. It's typically like pulling teeth to get them to hold hands, unless it is to swing each other around. On the rare occasion that Naomi wishes to cuddle, well, let's just say she's a little overbearing. Maybe that, too, will change in time, but for now I revel in the relationship that they share. They are best friends, and not in the way I dreamed-in a much more beautiful, and more profound way than I could have ever pictured. Ruth is Naomi's safety, her constant, and her example. What I thought was stolen by autism has been made indescribably precious by autism. 

On the eve of your fourth birthday

Put my three year old to bed for the last time. Tomorrow she will be four!

Four years ago right now I was laying in bed. Rich had just gotten off the phone with the midwife, explaining how miserable I was and they had agreed to induce two days later, assuming at my appointment the next day everything looked good. I was feeling a huge mix of emotions, relief that the weeks of painful contractions were coming to an end, sorrow that I was not going to go into labor naturally and for the first time have the "it's time" experience, and also many mixed feelings about being induced on my birthday, as I had not wanted to share my birthday. I think I was mostly feeling relief, though. 

Then it happened. I had a really strong contraction, and when it ended, Rich and I looked at each other, and without a word we both got out of bed and started getting ready to go to the hospital. 

My labor was miserable, nobody at the hospital would take me seriously despite this being baby number four and knowing my body well. I spent basically my entire labor in triage, was forced to walk through transition (or go home), and finally got my own room just in time to push. 

At 5:23AM the next morning, a chubby 8lbs 10oz baby came into the world screaming. She was perfect. She was exactly what I did not know I needed in my life.

Ruth Ann, you are a brat. You refuse to go to bed on a nightly basis, you rarely follow my directions, and you constantly swipe my coffee. 

You are also a constant source of laughter. You're a clown at heart, and you just love being silly. You bring immeasurable joy to those that you open up to. 

You truly are exactly what we needed. God has already used you in such amazing ways in four short years. I greatly anticipate witnessing what He continues to do in and through your life as you grow. 

I love you more than words can say, my little Rue-Rue Bean. 

Today you are five

Tonight I put my five year old Nae-Nae to bed. Five years ago I was snuggling my perfect, teeny little baby. I was soaking her in. Marveling over her beauty. Day dreaming about how much fun Elli would have with a sister. It's been a long journey, many sleepless nights of crying for answers, and knowing in my heart of hearts exactly what was going on. We've walked through fire for that child, we've almost lost her, we've cried over her, we've stood up for her time and again. We've put literally thousands of miles on our vehicles, we've put "medicine" on her eczema in the middle of the night, pinned her down to stop her from scratching herself raw. We've seen her grow by leaps and bounds, learn things we were unsure she'd ever learn, face down fears. We've climbed to the mountain tops, and fought for each inch, and we've wept in the valleys, confused and hurting. It's been a hard, long road, but look at her now! My amazing Nae-Nae. My sweet girl, my joy. 

For you, child, I'll gladly do it all again. 

All in the day of a SAHM

Sometimes you have to laugh. If you don't, you will lose your mind. My day so far...

I woke up late. Shoot. I was supposed to wake up early to clean the bathroom before the kids got up. It needs a deep cleaning, the kind where I can't be interrupted 2000 times every five minutes. 

What is that horrible smell? Oh, Zoey has again had diarrhea all over the house. Only now we are out of paper towels. 

The baby is now fussy. I want her to sleep so I can feed the kids breakfast, but every time she is almost there one of the kids comes in and wakes her up, even though they have all been told to stay in their rooms. This goes on for an hour. 

Finally, the baby is asleep! Only now the dog has also pooped on the carpet. Again. And I still don't have any paper towels. 

Ok, poop is cleaned up, kids are eating, time to clean the bathroom! Oh wait, I need to USE the bathroom. Now Tobiah came in and asked for more food. Told him to go and wait quietly at the table, and to stop talking before he wakes the baby. Now Naomi is doing the same. And now Ruth. Oh great, they woke the baby. 

Baby is back asleep, kids have more food, now I can clean the bathroom. Got a bit done, but now I remembered that the diapers that I started the last cycle on are done and I need to hang them and do  a load of laundry. 

Oh great. Somebody let Zoey back in. Yep, you guessed it. She pooped again! Trying not to cry. This house is so disgusting thanks to that blasted mutt! She's going outside. Oh my gosh, you have to be kidding me! The chickens are out AGAIN! Rich just fixed the fence. Oh, I see, he put the fence against the crawl space and the stupid birds figured out they could squeeze out. 25 minutes later and I have them all back and something against the hole. 

Somebody stole the slice of pizza I left for myself. You know, because it's not like they all had two pieces already. So, I'm eating a piece that fell on the floor and is covered in animal hair. It's also missing half the cheese and half the tomato sauce. Going to wash it down with some chocolate covered pretzels. 

Oh. My. Gosh. The cockatiels are freaking out, do I even want to know?! Oh great. One is out, and there is a soccer ball, a bunch of blocks, and a couple play kitchen toys IN THEIR CAGE. Oh, wait, there is also bird seed in both their water dishes. Sigh. Oh well, at least this time the bird didn't bite me getting it back in. 

Back in my room. Oh, looks who is awake. What woke her up? Oh, Tobiah's dog is barking. You know, because he left his room after being told not to for that exact reason. Sigh. 

It is only 3pm. 

Sometimes, autism sucks.

I try very hard to have a positive attitude about Naomi's diagnosis, and most of the time this comes fairly easily. I think she is one of the coolest kids around, and she brings so much joy and happiness to the lives of those around her. Really, I don't just say that. She's downright awesome. Her silly faces, her knack for seeing beauty in the ordinary, her insistence on being Messy Nae-Nae. She is a true joy. 

Sometimes though, it hurts. And when it hurts, it cuts me to the core of my being. Tuesday was one of those days. 

We were at Awana. I have tried hard not to let this be a sore subject for me, because my goodness how I was looking forward to having two hours a week with just Rich and the babies. It was going to be wonderful, and we were going to be able to reconnect and have time for deep conversation, which is so lacking in my marriage these days. God had different plans though. We were told pretty early in the year that both Naomi and Tobiah were only welcome at club if we stayed. So, I've been in the Cubbies room all year, while Rich follows the Sparkies around. It is what it is.

Anyway, we were at Awana. We have been going since September, with both Naomi and Ruth in the Cubbies class. So here I sat all night watching my daughter once again refuse to interact with the other kids. I watched her play with duplos, in her own world, then pick them up. This time she didn't throw a fit when it was time to put them away, which was an improvement! Then we got in line and went to "hold up the wall" while everybody took a turn going potty. Once again, Naomi refused to do any of the silly little activities, like finger exercises, toe touching, and jumping. She stood there, leaning on her hands against the wall, with a blank expression. When her sisters were by her, she wanted her arm around them (I've been taking Nette to be an honorary cubby since hanging with dad and the sparks is so boring), but neither really wanted anything to do with it. Then she sat quietly for the puppet show, as usual. She actually asked for a song when it was time to sing, and I'm so proud of her for that! She has definitely gotten more comfortable with Teacher Wendy. Then back to the class, and when asked for a prayer request she just said "God", which the teacher always interprets as being thankful for God, but in reality Naomi is telling her that is who you pray to-she has yet to grasp the concept of a prayer request. Then snack and craft. She was too over stimulated to do anything but scribble, which made me a little sad because she is such a great artist. At least this time she scribbled inside of the lines. Then the part where I finally lost it. Play time. 

At the end of the night the kids get to go into the gym and ride on trikes and those little cars you sit on and push around. Naomi of course asked for her favorite car, to which I of course had to say no, because it causes too many fights. Then she was off. Completely in her own world. When the other kids got too close (as in right in her face) she would push them. It pretty quickly ended up with her quietly in my lap while I sat in the doorway. I did eventually coax her to go play while I went to talk to the leader. I asked if I could bring snack next week, and if I could bring something special for Naomi's birthday even though we hadn't done anything for other birthdays. Awana is the day before her birthday, and my hope was maybe if the kids made a big deal about it, maybe for one night she would acknowledge them. That's when I finally broke down. It's been sometime since I cried, but it finally all hit me again. My child adores her "almost twin" and sometimes her other siblings, but other than that, she is so oblivious, and my heart hurts for her. I know she wants to have friends, but every time she has tried, they have been mean and not wants to play (not that I blame them, she's pretty controlling...). I have yet to go to Awana and not hear one of the other children complain about her, whether it be that she is hogging Legos, took somebody's Legos, kicked, pushed... It's always something, and it is always a knife in my heart. 

Yeah. My kid is pretty awesome. She brings beauty and insight to the world that i marvel at. She brings joy and laughter. Still though, sometimes autism sucks. 

Yet another update

We are finally out of the insane time of the year where I cannot think straight and have zero time for anything. 

A lot has happened in the last couple of months. Little Lucy had some pretty concerning medical stuff going on, but is mostly doing better. She is still a bit behind of where she should be, but she is slowly catching up. She ended up having two tongue tie surgeries, and after the second just stopped eating. She started seeing early intervention due to very low tone, and as of yesterday her therapist was thrilled with the progress after not seeing her for two weeks. She help her head up while on her tummy and played with toys for 15 minutes, then sat in Kelli's lap and played for quite a while. She also showed off some mad skills by sitting unassisted for maybe 15 seconds (she has done about a minute before, but was not really in the mood to sit). As of last Friday Rich finally got her to willingly take a supplement in the form of syringe feeding her. She is still completely refusing bottles, and for the first few weeks screaming like she was dying during the syringe feedings. They have to be pretty thick, but we are thrilled that she is willingly taking more food. Other than that, out blue eyed girl is doing great, she is interacting, smiling, babbling, and bringing us so much joy! It is crazy to realize she is nearly six months old!

Jeanette is also doing amazing. I failed miserably in keeping up to date with blogging her progress, but she is now a very solid, very active two year old doing all the normal two year old stuff. She still gets a little scared when you do things like toss her in the air and catch her, but even that is slowly getting better. She is also completely terrified of walk down stairs and insists on going down them on her tummy, but that's ok with me. She is running, trying to figure out jumping (so stinking cute when they are learning that one!), climbing, and talking. She loves to sing, and sings non-sense made up songs in the car, usually to the tune of "let it go" or "Jesus loves me". Most of the words aren't real words still at this point, but it reminds me of another little girl who has also always loved to sing and now at almost five does it non-stop. Jeanette has officially graduated from PT/OT, which is amazing, and will hopefully be out of ST soon as well.

There isn't tons to report on Ruth. She is still our clown, although she is looking more and more like a kid instead of my chubby cheek toddler. Guess it's time since she is almost FOUR! She will be starting speech therapy sometime soonish (in Corri-ism that means sometime this year, because frankly, I am relishing not having a child I have to take to speech and with two others in weekly therapy still... Sigh). She is smart and funny and still a complete Daddy's girl. In fact, every single time Rich and I try to talk without the kids, she has to come in and climb in his lap. He is far too much of a softy for that girl! She is also still completely obsessed with cats. Reminds me so much of myself as a child. 

Naomi is doing very well, too. Lately we have had far more good days that bad, and seem to be in  by good routine with her. She is getting better and better at knowing what she needs and self advocating. Two weeks ago at church the early childhood department had a "family day" where the parents got to hang out with the kids and each class had an activity to do with the kids. It was very hard for Naomi, and she was able to make it known through pulled on my hand that she needed out of the room, and when I asked if the place I took her was quite enough or if she needed it to be quieter, she told me she needed quieter, which is huge for her. She then calmed down and did fabulously the rest of the time we were there, although is had to really engage her a couple times. I honestly expected it to be a disaster with the complete chaos, but she proved me wrong! She also did something incredibly huge about a month ago at Costco. We were walking around, and all of a sudden she yells with complete panic in her voice "where's Ruth?!" Ruth was fine and just walking behind Rich, but my girl was aware of somebody other then herself and showed concern, which is incredible. Sure it was Ruth, her buddy, partner in crime, and closest friend whom she is never without, but I'll take it!

Tobiah is also doing really well. We have had some major breakthroughs with him in keeping him calm and capable of listening. It's still a process, and I really don't think we have seen the full effect of this awesome new way of working with him. I think it will be a huge transformation just like it has been with Naomi now that we have unlocked how to get through to him. He is still my little smarty pants that loves to learn and never forgets anything. Reading has unlocked the world for him, and he spends hours reading each day. Space, bugs, ocean life, pirates... His interests are 100% boy. He is also loving school using Sonlight. He blows through most of it, but he really loves the set up, and especially loves all the reading involved. Other things haven't changed at all, Danielle is still his "bestest best friend", he still loves riding his bike (and has gotten quite good), and he is still very protective of his sisters...when he isn't tormenting them.

Elli has grown and is hitting that age of inner struggle between being a child and not. It's bittersweet to watch, and I personally hope that being a child continues to win just a little while longer. She is still the same compassionate person she has always been, although she has started to get a bit of a snotty attitude towards life.  She pouts when we make her push a cart, and often whines at the injustice of being the oldest and being expected to help with simple things. She is still typically helpful, and adores her younger siblings. She often asks if she can help with things like giving Nette a bath, getting Lucy in the car, and making breakfast. She is definitely growing up. She's also finally caught the reading bug and carries a book just about everywhere, and she, too, seems to really enjoy school using Sonlight. She also got an awesome bike for Christmas and is bound and determined to learn to ride it. It was not cool in her book that Tobiah learned first. 

There have been a couple other changes. We somehow have multiplied in the fur baby department. Jeanette was given a kitten named Oliver, and he's a sweet little guy that loves to snuggle with Lucy (just like Sadie, my sweet kitty I got when I was in labor). Tobiah got a dog, a sweet but somewhat dense yellow lab. And at the end of the month I'm getting the puppy I've wanted for 15 years. Her name will be Princess Buttercup. 

We are also in the process of building a house (currently looking for land), so we can fulfill life long dreams of living on a farm. I'm quite excited, but will post more about that later. 

Other than that, life has just been "normal" around here. I'll try not to go months without blogging again, and will be doing my next Sonlight post soon. :)

What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving

Today especially I am so deeply thankful for my little Lucile Abigail Margaret Scales. My miracle. 

Last year on Thanksgiving, my family did our normal tradition of going around the table and saying what we were thankful for. I went last, and when it was my turn I said "I'm thankful for the new baby in my tummy". The kids reaction was priceless, Elli nearly fell out of her chair with excitement, Tobiah immediately said he hoped it was a boy (sorry kiddo), and even Naomi got excited. I unfortunately do not remember Ruth's reaction, but she was still two, so it may not have been much. It was perfect and wonderful. I had never had so much fun announcing a pregnancy to my babies before. 

About two hours later I started bleeding. The first thing that went through my mind was "why now, why after I told my babies". I was terrified and crushed, and I remember calling Rich upstairs and just crumbling into a sobbing mess. Lucy was so deeply wanted. I pulled it together as best as I could, and went downstairs and begged my mom and grandma to wait to go home so I could go to urgent care.

I don't remember the drive. It was a long one, all the way to Bellevue (around an hour away), and I've completely blocked it out. I do remember begging and pleading to God for my child's life though.

When we got there, I was numb. Too scared to be hopeful. They ran all the standard tests then sent me to an ultrasound. We saw our little baby, we saw her little heart flickering, and for a brief moment everything was fine. Then they told me she was measuring just six weeks, and it made no sense because of when I had found out I was pregnant (with multiple tests since somebody was a bit in shock and hesitant to belief the first one, and no, it was not me). We were told I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, and with how early in pregnancy it was, it could go either way. They also said that because she was so much smaller than anticipated it was very possible she was not growing at the normal rate, which would mean I would likely miscarry. They were careful to say that it was still possible I had my dates wrong, and that she may still make it, but because I was in Portland when I found out about her, I knew that was not possible. I left crushed and devastated, and unsure how to break the news to my kids.

The next few days were horrible. The day after Thanksgiving, or possibly the day after that, I received a package in the mail of baby clothes I had bought shortly after finding out (I clearly new she was a girl since they were all pink), and I remember Rich bringing it to me, and opening it. I took each little piece of clothing out, looked it over, and set it in a neat little pile next to me. The tears multiplied with each item until with the last I just sat and sobbed. It was the first time I really let my grief out. When I was done, I set the clothes back in the box and asked Rich to put the box where I couldn't see it.

On Sunday, I could no longer take not knowing, and I went to the local ER. I was ecstatic to see my little baby's heart beat flickering away. I felt sure that if she was still hanging on, it had to be a good sign. The next day, however, I went to see a local OB at the recommendation of a wonderful friend, and he couldn't see baby at all. I then had to wait until Thursday for a scheduled ultrasound at the local hospital. When there, we again saw our precious little baby, heart beating away, and were given the encouraging news she was still measuring exactly where the ultrasound at urgent care had put her. 

It was after that when I allowed myself to have a bit of optimism, but it took months before I felt safe. Clearly we had a happy ending, but it was a roller coaster to get there. So today especially I am thankful for this amazing gift I've been given to raise and love. And you know what? Today is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.

Sonlight series, Entry 3

We have been using Sonlight for a couple of weeks now. The first week was a bit of a learning curve for sure, but i have to say, so far we are really loving the curriculum. 

My initial thoughts were all fairly positive. They do a really great job laying out how to do things the first week, and then it follows a consistent pattern after that. It is very easy to teach with for sure.

I really love the books they include, and love even more than I thought I would that they aren't all books written for their curriculum (although there are a couple that are). The first couple of readers Elli has read are not only having her work on reading and reading comprehension, but they are stories that are also teaching pieces of history, they use them to have the children practice their handwriting through copy work, and they even include a bit of geography by having you find the location of where the book takes place on a map.

I haven't found that it takes too much time to work through everything. This may or may not change as we get further into the curriculum, we will have to wait and see. I have tweaked how we do spelling, as I have one child that has yet to not know how to spell a single spelling word and one that struggles so hard she fights tears, but the awesome thing is it doesn't make it difficult to tweak.

My only complaint this far is with the pre-k curriculum. The girls have not enjoyed only reading one or two pages, have hated the one book that has long stories, and honestly seem mostly bored when we read little snid bits of this book and that. They love the activity books, and we are continuing to work through everything despite a lack of enthusiasm. My hope is they will enjoy it more as we continue. Again, we will have to wait and see!

Life with kids Entry #7

Life with kids Entry #7:

Let's face it, life as a stay at home mom is not the easy relaxed job some think of. It's busy, there is always something going on. Today was no exception, in fact I have more than normal on my plate with yard sale set up. 

Then little Lucy out of nowhere started gagging so hard she could barely breath (darn you reflux!). Her beautiful (at least for now praying they stay) blue eyes wide with terror. I've now spent two hours comforting and loving on this little miracle. Sure that means two hours of work that did not happen, but really, she's worth it.

Life with kids Entry #6

Life with kids entry number six:

I'm exhausted. The kind of exhausted where I'm thankful my husband is driving and all I want to do is zone in quiet because it hurts to be conscience and I still have to go home and help put five kids to bed then nurse the baby to sleep and pray she sleeps because she's sleeping in the car. Yes, that kind of tired. Then this happens.

Naomi: Mommy?

Me: *trying not to allow my voice to show the annoyance I'm ashamed I feel* What Naomi?

Naomi: *garbled and indecipherable*

Me: What Naomi? I can't hear you.

Naomi: *yelling* What's the blue minivan called?

Me: *thinking seriously kid, you are pulling that out of nowhere almost three months after we sold it?!* I don't remember Nae-Nae.

Naomi: But what it's called?!

Me: Petunia.

That, by the way, is a lie. That was the tan van's name. Sometimes, it's worth it for quiet.

Sonlight series, entry 2

This post is rather past due, but here it is!

My very first thought when I opened the box from Sonlight was "this is a lot of books". It was a tad overwhelming. 

The even more overwhelming part came when I looked at the teacher guides. You have to put them in the binder yourself (unless you pay $30 for them to do it for you), and I had a moment of anxiety. I went to the Sonlight website and ultimately found a video that explains how to put them together. Very helpful!

It took me about an hour to put the binders together. I decided to put all four of my kids stuff together so I would not be switching from binder to binder, and I had to use two binders to fit it all. Not so bad, and I love how easy they make everything, the guides are awesome!

It took a while to separate all the books between core, 3rd grade readers, and 1st grade readers. There IS a page in each teacher manual that shows the books and even what week you start using them, but it took me a bit to find it.

Overall, it was pretty intimidating opening the box, but it was also very exciting! I really enjoyed looking through all the awesome books, and it definitely had me very excited to start school.

Life with kids entry #5

In the same breath, in true run on sentence form: "Elli get your fingers out of your mouth Tobiah get your finger out of your nose!"

That's what happened when I looked in my rear view mirror. Sigh.

The birth of Lucile Abigail

Our little Lucy Lue is five weeks old today, so I thought I should finally get around to writing my birth story.

For about a week and a half leading up to her birth, I had contractions that would stay consistent for hours, but never develop past uncomfortable. One week before her birth I realized, very much to my dismay, that she was transverse. Her head was ever so slightly lower than her tush, but she was very much transverse. With my due date approaching, I kind of last it at that point. The same thing happened with Naomi and her version was successful, but I had been told before had it had less than a 50/50 chance with me being 39 weeks pregnant. It was also the most painful thing I've ever been through. So I just lost it. I texted my midwife asking her to come in the morning and check her position so we could figure out what to do.

Shortly after that text, there were some big painful movements, and I was fairly confident that she was finally truly head down. The next morning Terah confirmed that, and said that her head was very low, far lower than she had been previously. I finally felt better, felt like things were going to happen, and I was happy. That was Friday, the following Monday the contractions started again, for hours each day. I texted Terah each time they were consistent for more than three hours, which i believe was twice. Tuesday Rich decided he was done working until she came, and started his leave. We spent the day running errands, and ended up going to the missional community group we used to attend just to see everybody. I left that knowing I was in early labor. When I got home, I saw a "birth bound" status from Terah, so I decided I needed to sleep anyway, took some Benadryl to stop the contractions, and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning knowing it was "the day", and sent Terah a message saying I was in early labor for sure and would let her know when things started to progress.

The day went on without a lot of change. Contractions just would not stay 100% regular, but I could tell they were leading to something. I had a feeling that as soon as we got the kids in bed, things would pick up, and they did. Only they darn contractions still would not get regular. I finally decided I was done a little past 11:00pm and tried to get comfortable in bed. I kept turning from side to side, but just could not get comfortable to save my life, then about 11:30pm she kicked very hard and I felt three pops right in a row, and it actually hurt a little. It took a minute for it to sink in, but I realized my water had broken. I actually panicked a little bit, I guess because it was a new experience (my water has never broken like that, it's always been right before birth or not at all in Jeanette's case). I told Rich to call Terah and went in the bathroom to sit on the toilet while I figured out where I could be since every time I moved I gushed fluids. Then the contractions started. They were the really intense ones right away, which was hard to deal with since there had been no real lead up. Terah got here about ten minutes later, and about that time Rich finished covering my chair I bought to labor in last time in disposable changing pads my friend had happened to I give us. Rich had already blown up my pool, but had not filled it, so Terah suggested we work on filling it. Silly Rich decided it would be a good idea to fill the pool with the outside hose, thrown up onto the deck and brought in through the slider. Never do this.

About the time that he was working on that the student midwife arrived. We spent the next hour and a half or so with my laboring in my chair while Rich worked on boiling pot after pot of water to try and heat the ice cold water he had filled my pool with. Around 1:45am I really wanted in the pool, so I got in while it was still luke warm, and it was such a relief! Rich brought a couple more pots of hot water up, then I started feeling the urge to push so I had him go and get the kids. They came in, and then of course I couldn't decide if I really needed to push or not, so after a couple minutes I asked them if they wanted to watch a movie downstairs for a bit. Elli, Tobiah, and Ruth all jumped at the idea, but sweet Naomi would have nothing to do with it. After a few more contractions of me trying to decide if i was as ready to push, it was undeniable, and I have to say, I don't think I've ever pushed quite that hard. At the beginning of the contraction I started pushing on, I screamed for Rich to get the kids, and on the first push her head was out, and then the kids came in as I pushed a second time, and walked in right as their little sister was born. Yes, that's right, I pushed twice.

Lucile Abigail was born at home in the water at 2:17am July 24th, 2014. On her due date. :) She weighed 8lbs 4oz and was 21.75in long.

I bled heavily, so they had me get out of the water pretty quickly. A few minutes later they had me deliver the placenta so they could determine where the bleeding was coming from, and then they had Tobiah cut the cord. He had a little trouble so Rich ended up helping, but he has since proudly told more than a couple people that he cut her cord.

From the very beginning she was a champ of a nurser, and after five not so great and flat out bad nursers, it has been such a blessing. She did get formula a couple times so I could sleep in the first few days, but it was far less than the others had, and really only because I desperately needed some sleep. 

We have all been very blessed by the sweet addition of this amazing little girl. She is a smiley little girl that fills our house with happiness. It did take Jeanette a while to warm up to her, but even she just adores "her baby". There was a point in the beginning where she refused to look at me because I was holding her, which just makes me laugh since that is how she treats her therapist most weeks for the first little bit. She looks at the floor and will glare at you out of the corner of her eye every once in a while to check on you. I am thankful it was short lived, though, and that now she loves on her every chance she gets.

And one from today

Triumph in the midst of the storm

Last night Tobiah was having a really hard time. I think he was over tired and his blood sugar may have been off a bit, but he had been told he needed to clean his room before he could come out after Rich got home. This escalated to one of the huge screaming, kicking, banging, throwing things tantrums, so we calmly went about it in our normal way, taking a stuffy away every time we had to remind him not to stomp, kick the wall, or throw things, talking to him calmly, reminding him to take deep breaths, and so on. After about 30 minutes, he was FINALLY mostly calm and doing an amazing job cleaning his room. Then Elli came along... She very meanly and snottily said "we're having applesauce", just to be a jerk to him and upset him. I have to say though, Tobiah shocked me. He paused for a second, then said (granted in an equally snotty tone) "well I can have some when I am done, and I'm almost done anyway!" When questioned exactly what had been said to him (I only heard his response, but given what he said and how he said it I am certain he was being truthful), he also said that what Elli had said had really upset him and made him angry.

I am flat out amazed with my son. This is my boy who has a hard time regulating emotions, and often has a hard time expressing himself. He was only maybe 20 minutes out from one of his all out huge, out of control, not coping at all tantrums, but he did not take Elli's bate and get all worked up again. He kept calm, held onto the knowledge that if he did what he was supposed to he would get his applesauce like the girls had, and told Elli off. He handled it better than I've ever seen him handle a hard situation like that. I'm so impressed, so proud, and so amazed. I'm also full of hope that we are getting somewhere, and now have something big to remember in the midst of his tantrums. My boy will overcome, he will learn to cope with emotions, and he will succeed in life.

For the record, Elli got in a good amount of trouble for antagonizing her little brother and for the next week will be learning about serving others through cleaning his room for him daily. Hopefully she will not only think twice before being mean again, but will learn something about what it means to serve and love our brothers and sisters instead of leading them to stumble and sin.

Life with autism is...

...letting your child come in the bathroom, when you just got woken up by a loud firework, are having contractions, and really just want SPACE, and letting her sing you the ABCs, because she wants to "show you something", and letting her get closer and closer to you as she sings until she is almost touching you (remember you're still on the toilet), and then excitedly telling her how amazing she did when she is done, because, well, you love her, and these silly moments are what make her so amazing and special. And the part that is truly life with autism? You don't have to fake it. You truly do love it. You live for these special times with your child, you focus on them when she is staring at you blankly not recognizing what is going on because she's just too overwhelmed. You hold them in your heart when she is screaming because her favorite dress is dirty and she just cannot wear it for another day. You store them up for all the times it hurts, it is hard, and it is scary, because it reminds you that while autism brings many challenges, it brings more beauty.

Sonlight Series, Entry 1

We recently made the decision to switch to Sonlight for our homeschooling. This will be my first blog in a series on the curriculum, starting with explaining why we decided to make the switch as well as some money saving tips, and covering first thoughts when we receive the curriculum, thoughts after the first couple of weeks of using it, and then periodically throughout the year touching on things that we love, and, if applicable, things that we do not love. At the end of the year I will give a final overview on what Rich and I thought, what the kids thought, and how well our children learned with it.

*Disclaimer* I am not being compensated for this in any manor. These are my own thoughts, and where applicable Rich and the kid's thoughts.


Before now, we have been using a mix of various curriculum, and I was beginning to feel rather overwhelmed realizing that I would now be trying to balance that for three separate levels. It has honestly been enough of a challenge to balance time for everything for just two kids.

I have always thought full curriculum was not for us. I liked to be able to customize things more, and hated how expensive it was, and how hard it was to find every single piece you needed used, because you need tons of pieces that are only available new from them. I also really prefer learning through literature verses doing lots of worksheets.

The first thing that attracted me to Sonlight was the amount of reading. A lot of the curriculum is reading together. Yes, there are still work sheets that the kids are supposed to do, but they are limited and mostly focused on teaching children to love to write. I think this is great, as I love writing. Even with that aspect, though, I was really turned off by the price, and the amount of time it would take me to teach three levels with this. Then my friend told me about something awesome that they offer. They actually make it easy to group kids that are close enough in age together so that they are doing a lot of the core work together, drastically reducing the teaching time required. It also cuts down on the price a good deal. Lastly, I did find out that they offer time payments. They will break your total into four payments, the first is due immediately, then they have different lengths of time available for the other three payments. It is interest free. This helped us as our payments are almost exactly what we set aside for school needs every two months, so that is the option we went with. If we stick with this curriculum next year, I will budget ahead of time and be prepared to pay up front since I truly hate owing money, but it was definitely a nice option that helped us make the decision to go ahead and dive in for this year.

I will also mention that for the girl's Pre-Kindergarten things, I tracked most of them down used. I also did this with Tobiah's readers, although I could not find two books in particular (or at least not for less expensive than Sonlight offered them) so I ended up ordering those. It did help that we had several of Tobiah's readers already (which is GREAT! I certainly love that Sonlight uses regular books verses books only offered through them for the majority of their teaching), and one of the girl's books. I managed to save about $200 by ordering the books this way. I likely could have managed to save more, but it was already pretty overwhelming to track the long list of books I had down, and the thought of doing that for more was a bit too much for me to handle in a short amount of time. I feel like I picked a good middle ground between making things a bit easier on myself and saving money. Again, assuming we continue to be happy with the choice we made to switch to Sonlight, I will likely work on tracking down the list for next year all year long, eliminating the need to make a choice between saving money and not completely overwhelming myself. The one thing I want to ensure that I do, though, is to buy at least ONE core from them each year, as this gets you a 10% off all purchases made for an entire year, as well as free shipping on all orders. This has already come in handy with a book that I thought I had found, only to have the seller refund my money. I could not find it inexpensively anywhere else and managed to get it for very cheap from Sonlight-the one I originally bought that was refunded was only 50 cents cheaper than ordering from Sonlight.

The things that I did make a point of just buying new were all the teachers guides, which come with the student worksheets and really everything you need but books themselves for the older kids. For the younger girls I had to buy four work books each, but they were not terribly priced. You can find the teachers guides used on various websites where people sell their used curriculum, and I also found them at Homeschool Potpourri here in Washington (but remember, even if you are from out of state you can call Homeschool Potpourri and make a phone purchase!), but for this year at least I decided to just buy them new. If I can find them in good enough shape for next year, I may do things differently. We will just have to wait and see.

So, there you have it. A big and exciting update about our homeschool journey, the reasons why I decided to make the switch, and a few pointers to save some money. Check back soon for my next post in this series about our first impression when receiving the curriculum.